To the Toastmaster

To the Toastmaster, or Whom It May Concern:

I sincerely doubt it concerns you much at all. I have spent the last years of my life, even the greater portion thereof, unable to confidently crack eggs into my frying pan and feel the security of knowing my toast will come out perfectly brown, right on time. I’ve come to realize, through deep breaths and morning stretches, that this is not anything I have done wrong. In fact, my timing is impeccable. The toaster will always pop up right as I am ready to scrape the eggs onto my plate.

The trouble is that your toasters cannot seem to keep up. Just today, I fell victim to toast so dark it was smoking. Smoking! 9AM, and I’m already concerned about fire hazards. Do you know what that does to my day? Has your fire alarm ever gone off before? I doubt it, because with the way your toasters work, I doubt you’d even dare to bring one into your house. I keep the browning gauge set at a conservative two-fifths of the way to the right, so at about a half-centimeter away from the middle of the apparently-inaccurate darkness measuring meter.

I bought a Toastmaster because I trusted the name. KitchenAid is for mixers, Whirlpool has always been my dishwasher of choice, but my toaster? Well, what could sound more believable and true than Toastmaster? But these days, even the Postmaster has been making cuts, so maybe I should’ve gone with the Toast-Jack-of-All-Trades. I didn’t see one, but next time I’m shopping, I’ll be looking, you’d best believe.

It just seems like you’ve had enough time to make some improvements. I mean, toasters — you do toasters. I’m not the type to hate on anyone, it takes a village, blah blah, but still, you just make toasters. I mean, has anyone ever actually given you a report card on the quality of your product? A flimsy metal box that nearly ignites sliced bread, makes the most horrific sound every time it pops up, and it doesn’t even harness the fact that heat rises? Your biggest natural ally just floats out the top of it. Even my HVAC guy could’ve told you that, and he doesn’t go around suffixing his name with something so presumptuous as “Bill Wright, HVACMaster.” I guess that’s because some of us still know when we’re deserving of praise.

All told, this whole thing has just left me a bit burned. When I think of all the money I’ve wasted on good bread being thrown away — because the first attempt is always a trial run, every goddamn morning — I could’ve just bought a legitimate toaster. One that won’t make me jump out of my skin when it’s ready to be served, and one that will be ready to be served without a fire extinguisher. You should really look at the future, you guys. Your website is even still in sloppy, HTML, JPEG, pixelation hell. Wait a minute, is anyone even running this place anymore? No updated website, no product innovation, no public apologies or recalls. Is there an opening for Toastmaster General? I’ve attached my résumé.

Regards,

JMS

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